Progressive Independence

When it comes to your children, how much parental control is appropriate? Too much and your child will not learn independence and during the teen years will likely rebel. Too little control is equally destructive. Without appropriate boundaries a child is often fearful and does not learn self-control.

How can you know how much parental control is appropriate? The answer depends on a number of factors, such as your child’s temperament, demonstrated good judgment, and maturity relative to chronological age. However, regardless of the amount of control you choose to exercise, one principle of parenting can make a huge difference. That principle is “Progressive Independence.”

In 1972, I heard a tape that drastically changed the way that my wife and I raised our daughters. Before hearing that tape it had never occurred to us that we would need to change the amount of control we exercised over our daughter’s life. After all, during the first five years of her life we had made virtually all of her major decisions and it had worked quite well. There was no reason to expect that the future would be any different. But, this tape pointed out many advantages to granting children independence progressively, in measured doses as they mature.

To understand how to apply the principle of Progressive Independence let’s fast-forward in time to the point where your child is ready to leave home. At that point, they will need to be able to function independently, with little or no control by parents. If they are to reach that point successfully, they will need practice in making decisions – practice with decisions that are not life-threatening or even life damaging or changing. That practice ideally begins in toddler-hood.

As a toddler a child begins to want more control over his or her own life. They will overestimate their ability to make good decisions, and will attempt to do things that would be destructive. A good parent will, of course, intervene. But, that same toddler may also have very definite ideas about relatively inconsequential matters, such as what clothes to wear or which foods to eat – choices which are different from the parent’s. He or she may insist on attempting a task that the parent knows full well is beyond their capability, and which will result in failure. The natural tendency of parents is to step in and make the “right” decision, which of course results in a “better” outcome than if the child had been allowed to decide. But, is that in the long-term best interest of the child?

Because making such decisions for a toddler does not bring on an immediate crisis, the parents fail to see the harm that will inevitably come if this pattern continues. If a child is not allowed to make mistakes with small, mostly harmless decisions, he or she will not gain the wisdom necessary to make the major decisions to come.

As adolescence approaches, a child will achieve independence, either peacefully, or traumatically. Psychologists call this process, “individuation.”  The wise parents will have granted independence progressively, so that at maturity there will be a gentle “untying of the apron strings,” rather than a forceful rupturing by a rebellious teenager.

Are you giving your child a measure of control that is commensurate with his or her maturity? To help decide, ask yourself these questions:

·        If I allow my child to make this decision will it result in long-term harm? Will this matter in 10 or 20 years?

·        Is the reason I oppose this decision that it will be an embarrassment to me? If so, consider that you may be attempting to live your life through your child.

·        Is winning this “test of wills” worth the potential damage to my relationship with my child? “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” Save the battles for the really important issues.

 Paul White