wpe1.jpg (8321 bytes)

It Doesn’t Have To Be This Way – or – Men Can Be Such Jerks!

Not all men, mind you, but it seems that many of our gender are just plain jerks when it comes to relationships. Let me explain.

There are four relationship-damaging traits that seem to be primarily masculine. For your consideration I submit the following:

  1. We insist on appearing self-sufficient. How many men do you know who will stop to ask for directions? To ask for help?
  2. We refuse to be vulnerable. How often do men talk about their deepest fears, their fondest dreams, the deep things on their hearts? Not macho!
  3. We think emotion or tenderness makes us appear weak. Real men don’t cry!
  4. We insist upon being the one in control. Me Tarzan! You Jane!

How do these four traits, which are to a large extent culturally dictated, damage our relationships – especially marriage?

First, consider the need to appear self-sufficient. Just because we don’t want to admit we need help doesn’t change the fact that we do. In marriage, we are usually the one to pretend that nothing is wrong, or that if there is, we can fix it ourselves. It is rare for a husband to contact me asking for help with a marriage. If the wife asks for help, the husband often is resistant, denying the problems in the face of overwhelming evidence. How sad that we refuse to admit what everyone around us plainly sees. We would rather let the life and joy be sucked out of our marriage than to avail ourselves of the tools that could transform it into what we dreamed it would be.

In the church, where we like to pretend that we all have perfect marriages, it is especially difficult to ask for help. Thus, many Christian marriages deteriorate past the point of no return before help is sought.

Of the four, #2, refusal to be vulnerable is the trait most often shared by women. It is a potent destroyer of the emotional intimacy necessary for a vibrant marriage. It is a trust issue.

A husband often fails to understand that emotional intimacy, made possible only by vulnerability, is an absolute prerequisite for his wife to submit herself to him. Only when husbands are willing to share themselves emotionally can most wives feel good about sharing themselves physically.

Wives, and husbands who refuse vulnerability often do so because of past betrayals and hurts that have never been healed.

#3 is closely related to #2. Emotion and tenderness make us vulnerable. Our culture labels men who are sensitive as "sissies." But, in marriage, emotion and tenderness are the fertilizer that nourishes the relationship, a glue that bonds us together.

Finally, control. Christian men often misunderstand the biblical injunction that wives be subject to their husbands. Mutual submission is God’s directive. Submission does not mean slavery. God does not intend for men to be tyrants nor masters. On the contrary, we are to love our wives like Christ loves the Church, remembering that they are God’s gift to us, and more fragile than we.

If your marriage is not what you or God wants, it doesn’t have to be that way. Here are some suggestions:

 

Paul White - (325) 677-5446 email: paul@pwhitemail.com

Copyright1999. Permission to reproduce unaltered is granted, with attribution.

Email for a version formatted in Microsoft Word, suitable for reproduction.

A Microsoft Word file viewer/printer is available free at http://officeupdate.microsoft.com/downloadDetails/wdvw9716.htm

June 1, 1999

Back to Marriage Homework

[Dividing Line Image]

This information is provided as a free service to brides planning their weddings and local vendors. No endorsement or guarantee of the performance, quality or fitness of any vendor or product is made or implied by White's Photography.

[Home][What's New][Products & Services][Feedback]

Copyright © 1997 White's Photography
Last modified: May 17, 2007