Five Killers of Marital Communication

Effective communication is crucial to a vibrant marriage. Yet, many couples habitually engage in communication-hindering actions that gradually sap the life from their relationship. One or more of the following "killer actions" have been observed in almost all of the couples I have counseled. I see myself in some of these. Do you see yourself?

1. Unavailability – one of the spouses is physically, emotionally or cognitively unavailable. Perhaps it’s over-commitment to job, hobbies, etc. Maybe he/she has "checked-out" emotionally and refuses to talk, even though physically present. Whatever the reason, communication can’t occur if one partner is absent physically or emotionally or if their mind is occupied with something other than communicating.
2. Unhealed hurts – in healthy relationships hurts are addressed as they occur. Left to fester, old wounds create a wall between partners that destroys the intimacy necessary for healthy, collaborative communication. The old hurts may be ones brought into the marriage, or ones that have occurred within the marriage.
3. A runaway tongue – It is so easy to wound our mate when we speak before we think, or when we strike out while angry. Both sexes are vulnerable to this, but some women must be particularly careful during the days immediately preceding menstruation, when emotions tend to run high. Husbands should learn to avoid "rising to the bait" during this time. There can sometimes be wisdom in silence.
4. Criticism – fault-finding, particularly when it is relentless, numbs our mate’s sensitivity to us, and causes them to "tune out" our attempts to communicate.
5. Playing Games – these can take many forms, but all have in common refusing to honestly reveal how we feel or what we think or want.

"What’s the matter?"
"Nothing." (Slams door.)
"If nothing’s wrong, why are you angry?"
"I’m not angry." (Flashes a look that could kill.)
"You sure seem angry to me. What’s the matter?"
"Nothing! I told you nothing’s the matter. Now leave me alone!"

All of the following "games," and many others block the intimacy necessary for healthy, productive communication:

• Refusing to acknowledge that we have needs
• Expecting our mate to read our mind.