Good or bad, our communication patterns are usually established in early childhood and follow us into marriage. While they may have served us adequately in our less intimate relationships, in the crucible of marriage, any communication deficiencies become glaringly obvious.

The Clam and the Cobra often find each other attractive, at least in the early stages of relationship. Thus, it is common to find one of each in many marriages. However, what seems intriguing at first, becomes maddening as it sabotages our attempts to achieve the emotional intimacy we crave.

In marriage, either the Clam or the Cobra can undermine the communication essential for a vibrant marriage. Let’s look at how. Then, we’ll consider a better way.

The Clam

Clams have learned to hide. It’s just so much more peaceful if they pretend that nothing is wrong. If they deny or refuse to express feelings, then others can’t hurt them – or at least others won’t get the satisfaction of knowing they’ve been hurt. If Clams refuse to talk about what is on their heart there is less risk of being hurt. Keeping relationships on the surface, holding others at arms-length, and refusing to share the truth is the Clam’s style.

A conversation with a Clam often goes something like this: "What’s the matter?" "Nothing." "Something is. You’re acting funny." "Nothing! I told you nothing’s wrong. Now leave me alone."

Or, have you had this conversation with a Clam?: "We’ve got a problem with ________" (fill in the blank.) (Silence.) "Come on. I need you to talk to me, I’m hurting about this." "WE don’t have a problem; YOU have a problem. You’re making a big deal out of nothing."

The Cobra

The Cobra learned early that the best defense is a good offence. Come on strong, appear confident, take control. If others don’t fall in line, hit ‘em again with a stinging insult. Yell a little louder. Belittle. Get physical, if you have to. Whatever it takes, let ‘em know who’s boss. If they start to get too close emotionally, say something to pour cold water on it. Hurt them before they can hurt you.

The Cobra can’t bear the thought of being emotionally intimate and will do whatever it takes to avoid vulnerability. The Cobra’s been hurt before and is determined not to let it happen again. Unlike the Clam, the Cobra will share the truth – right between the eyes!

Recognize someone in the above descriptions of the Clam and the Cobra? There is a better way. It’s the Communicator.

The Communicator

Communicators share the truth, but do it in love. They don’t hide their emotions and feelings like the Clam. Nor do they strike out with venom like the Cobra. Few people are born as Communicators. They’ve learned how to be Communicators, and so can you. Here’s how.

• Ask God’s help. His Spirit can transform you if you really want to improve.

• Hold hands and pray daily with and for your mate, asking God to bless your marriage.

• Walk alone together daily. Hold hands. Use this time to talk about the things on your hearts. Risk a little. The rewards will be great.

• If you are a Clam, it will take conscious effort to open up. Force yourself. Each time you do it will get easier. If you are married to a Clam, you must encourage him/her to open up by providing a safe environment for it to take place. When they do, you must be especially sensitive in how you handle your mate’s fragile emotions.

• If you are a Cobra, begin by acknowledging the hurts you have caused and asking your mate to forgive you. Ask them to help you by gently pointing it out when you go into attack mode. Each time you slip, ask for forgiveness and immediately try again to reframe your communication with a cloak of love.